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We hear about the need to plan for a child’s future from day one. Every year the costs involved in parenting increase, in many ways so do the choices and possibilities. Divorce does not change this, however, it does mean that parents have to determine how they are going to navigate decisions now and in the future.
Among the many issues divorcing parents must consider are (more…)
It may seem that the more complex a divorce, the less appropriate divorce mediation is. In reality, mediation often makes more sense in complex cases, especially when children are involved.
When a divorcing couple has kids, they are going to continue to have a relationship with one another even after the divorce is final. Divorce mediation allows the couple to determine how they want to co-parent; what works for them individually, as a couple, and most importantly – what works for the children. (more…)
For many, divorce mediation seems an impossibility for couples that are not getting along. It is as if only those couples who are getting along or in apparent agreement about issues – despite their decision to divorce – can realistically consider mediating their split.
Many think that divorce involving complex emotions and reactions cannot be mediated. As if the hurt and anger means that the couple cannot determine what is best for them and their family. This is a myth. (more…)
Employers know that parents worry about their children, and sometimes are preoccupied with thoughts about their children’s health and well-being while at work. To be sure employees going through a litigated divorce are often preoccupied with the process and worry about the outcome.
What about after the fact, once the divorce is finalized the child custody agreement and parenting plan is in place; are parents done being preoccupied with these issues at work? (more…)
Divorce is a difficult process. Regardless of the reason behind the break-up, the process of formalizing the divorce is often upsetting both emotionally and logistically. The logistical process of the relationship separation can trigger and aggravate the emotional issues involved. In cases where at least one person identifies a triggering event for the break-up of the relationship, the emotions involved can make a peaceful efficient resolution of the issues almost impossible without involvement of divorce professionals. (more…)
Distance and circumstance can affect how separated and divorced parents spend time with their children – regardless of the nature of the relationship between parents. Sometimes parents are separated or divorced; sometimes away on business or military deployment; sometimes the multi-household arrangement is by design.
Often a focus of discussion is how parents, who live away from their children, maintain a positive parent-child relationship – especially when parents are divorced or otherwise separate due to relationship issues. (more…)
Unlike couples without children who divorce, parents who divorce must continue to have a degree of a relationship with one another.
Often parents who enter into a divorce are able to focus on the experience and best interest of their children when envisioning the parenting plan – but this may not be the same as the day-to-day experience with the child custody arrangement.
A theoretical plan to co-parent can be much different than a parenting plan put into action: the theoretical tends to assume best case scenario, while the reality encompasses life changes and ongoing relationships. As time passes, the need to have a relationship with someone that may trigger a plethora of unpleasant emotions and memories can be difficult. At times, even the best-intentioned parenting plans can fall apart – and everyone suffers: parents, partners, and children alike.
Perhaps one of the more problematic issues in co-parenting while separate or divorced is ongoing communication between the parents. Parents living separate lives still have to coordinate their parenting as if they were together: participation in extra-curricular activities, transportation, holidays and vacations, addressing children’s emotional and physical needs, and otherwise facilitating an effortless of a transition and experience for the children who have two distinct homes.
Although creating positive communication when co-parenting separate or divorced can be daunting, it is far from impossible; and technology has given parents more accessible options than ever before.
Some free co-parenting communication options include shared calendars, instant messaging and email accounts through readily available providers such as google or yahoo. Parents can create dedicated email and instant message accounts for parental communication. Vacations, extracurricular activities, events, meetings, and exceptions to established scheduling can be clearly documented on shared web-based calendars. Parents may wish to create a free and private website that includes all pertinent information through google – specifically called a wiki.
Another option for parents are subscription-based co-parenting tools. These services generally include email, child-related contact information, calendars, expenses, health records, etc. The prices for these services vary, but generally cost each parent less than $10/month.
A favorite one of CFR Mediation and some court systems is:
There are others however including:
The catch is that both parents need to agree to use the same system. Planning to use a program when creating the parenting plan is the best time, as opposed to waiting for problems or issues in co-parenting. Consider bringing this up in your divorce or parenting mediation work together to create a plan that prevents future frictions and promotes a positive experience for you and your children.
When a couple with children, who are divorcing or separating, opt to work with a mediator, they will spend some of the time in mediation developing a parenting plan.
A parenting plan is a detailed description of how both parents will continue to co-parent their children. Often a couple’s thoughts about a parenting plan focus on who is going to see whom when and how often. This is just part of the plan.
The completed parenting plan includes a number of things, among the issued covered: custody and visitation rules & schedules, how the parents are going to communicate with one another and when, child support, health insurance, education decisions and funding, and children’s investments/accounts if any.
At the onsite of the mediation process, many couples prefer to keep the parenting plan casual and unstructured. Planning to work things out as issues arise. However, at CFR we recommend that the couple work in mediation to develop a highly detailed and structured parenting plan and child custody agreement, so that it exists in the event that it is needed in the future.
Too often, couples with the best intentions find themselves embroiled in ongoing conflict with one another over issues that could have been mapped out in the beginning. Planning at the onset of the divorce or separation prevents the hurt, frustration, anger, and cost that is incurred when circumstances change or expectations are not met in the future.
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Additional Reading:
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A CFR Mediation Coordinator is available to answer any questions that parents may have regarding our services and how mediation can facilitate a peaceful positive resolution to parenting and child custody issues. Contact us for a no obligation consultation.
Conflict tends to bring out the worst in most of us. It is a stressful state, often triggering some bad communication habits in an effort to limit personal vulnerability. Much like a porcupine, when we feel vulnerable it is not unusual to bristle in an effort to protect ourselves – unfortunately this reaction tends to make things worse.
There are many common “reaction styles” that are problematic responses to conflict: accusing, swearing, using hostile gestures, name calling, or physically attacking one another are all examples of poor conflict response. Some of these are more common and “accepted” than others, but all are problematic.
Focusing on being civil throughout a conflict (any conflict) can greatly reduce the likelihood of escalation of the dispute and quite possibly assist in resolution of the issue. By remaining civil to one another the focus of the discussion stays on the issue at hand as opposed to becoming a battle where each person focuses on “winning” or not “losing” the argument, or worse tries to hurt the other person.
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Once tempers rise and negative “reaction styles” start to emerge, continued civil discussion is unlikely. Curtailing a discussion to revisit it at a later time is a positive reaction. There are some steps that can be taken to increase the likelihood that of civil discussion:
More Communication Tips:
CBS News recently ran a story about the “un-divorced” – those couples who no longer choose to be married, but find themselves unable or unwilling to divorce legally and completely.
Every couple has their own reasons for the decisions that they make. In the traditional litigated divorce process perhaps only by remaining legally married and not divorcing, do couples believe that they can live their lives under their own steam and direction.
The story speculates as to the reasons couples would choose not to divorce. Perhaps it is due to the cost of attorneys; perhaps they are waiting for the value of their house to rebound; perhaps they are avoiding additional conflict; perhaps they worry about the effect of a divorce on their children.
In addition, these couples, although not happy with one another, are able to work out an agreement that allows them to move forward even though “un-divorced” – although they may not even be aware of the act of reaching the agreement.
An option – Divorce Mediation
These couples, even when children are present, can opt to work together and mediate a solution that works for their situation – without incurring the cost of divorce attorneys and ongoing conflict so common in a litigated divorce.
Parents can create a mediated parenting plan (commonly thought of as a “custody agreement”) that ensures their children have ongoing positive relationships with their parents
Couples may even opt to legally divorce without selling their house.
Divorce mediation allows couples to create their own story. Every relationship is unique. Divorce mediation allows the couple to remain the experts in what is going to work for them – without incurring the cost and additional conflict of a litigated divorce.
