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An important aspect of communication is how the words are spoken, not just what is said.
Often the words alone carry the bulk of the message and are the most important part of the communication. However, in communications that are emotional in nature, such as those involving conflict, the words used are only a part of what is being communicated. The total communication (more…)
So often those divorcing have strong emotional reactions to one another. Perhaps this explains the tendency to turn to attorneys to resolve the terms; unfortunately, although this may ease the immediate discomfort, all too often it prolongs and aggravates the process and the emotion. CFR addresses the problematic emotions that prevent individuals from successfully accessing mediation and controlling the resolution of their own conflicts by assigning each case a CFR Mediation Coordinator. This person administers the case as well as facilitating everyone successful participation in the mediation by providing coaching, as needed, to address emotional barriers to successful mediation and resolution. (more…)
Mediation is a great way to resolve disputes efficiently and effectively – but how does it work?
Mediation works by having those in dispute focus on the desired outcomes or resolution of the dispute, as opposed to the emotional-based positions that so often direct personal approaches to conflict. (more…)
Conflict is expensive. Regardless of the nature of the dispute, conflict is expensive.
Divorce is no exception. Couples choosing the traditional route of a litigated divorce can spend thousands of dollars in divorce court. Choosing mediation versus litigation – even choosing mediation versus just living with the conflict – greatly lessens the costs. Even high-conflict (more…)
Choosing to mediate your dispute, whether it is a divorce, business dispute, personal injury, or other matter, is a wise decision in swiftly and fairly bringing your dispute to a resolution. Keep in mind that your behavior throughout the process will have an effect on the outcome. Here are some thoughts to keep in mind for a successful mediation.
Keep your emotions in check: Although a dispute may cause your blood to boil, choosing mediation demonstrates your willingness to come to the table to work with the other party to resolve your differences. It may be incredibly difficult to do so, but try to keep in mind the other side’s position. While you may disagree wholeheartedly with their feelings, try not to dismiss them out of hand, but rather attempt to level-headedly recognize at least how they may feel their points are valid. Also, keep in mint that the CFR Certified Mediator is there to act as a wholly neutral party; they will help everyone in the room get together in moving toward a solution. CFR’s Conflict Coaching can also assist participants address the emotion involved in the conflict.
The Facts – Start with them, and stay with them: Founding Father, and the second President of the United States, John Adams was fond of saying “facts are stubborn things”. What Adams is trying to tell us is that no matter how we wish to view something, the facts are not going to change. When sitting down to mediate, start with the facts. In going over what both sides know to be true, you may find your dispute is not a deep as either side originally imagined. Again, the CFR Certified Mediator can help you in fleshing out the facts and painting a clear picture of the situation. Once this is done, moving toward resolution may be simpler than either side imagined.
Attempt to maintain neutral language: Using pejorative language or placing blame with your word choice can derail a mediation before it even leaves the station. Again, this goes hand-in-hand with keeping your emotions in check. It might be hard, especially in a divorce mediation setting, to not point the finger at the other party, but doing so just causes people to put on the brakes. This is completely counter-intuitive to the goal of mediation, which is to bring the parties together to common ground, and a mutually agreeable resolution.
These tips are just some simple thoughts to keep in mind. They evoke the adage often seen on motivational posters, “attitude is everything”. While having a positive attitude will not guarantee your absolute ideal mediation outcome; it will help set the proper tone for a resolution all parties can be happy about.
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Conflict is unpleasant and seldom expected.
Whether a conflict with a co-worker, friend, or family member – efforts to resolve a dispute often are thwarted by the emotions related to the conflict.
Our emotional reactions to things, people, and events help form our “positions” about them. Once our positions are formed we tend to look at them as “truths”. And we go to great lengths to support and prove them as truths. This can present a significant problem in conflict resolution – even with the most experienced mediator.
Positions are emotional – and often they prevent movement towards desired goals. Protecting our positions can block us from actually working towards the desired outcomes. Positions are polarizing: they send those in conflict to opposite corners – as far away from the middle as possible. Even in mediation, the emotional positions can sabotage the best efforts to reach agreement.
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A standard offering of all of our mediation services is “coaching” by a CFR Mediation Coordinator. This is more commonly referred to as “conflict coaching”.
CFR Mediation Coordinators have a minimum of a masters degree in a behavioral health field. They are not providing therapy or counseling, but are providing coaching to facilitate the success of every CFR mediation as needed.
Coaching focuses on addressing the emotions that can act as a barrier to successful resolution. For example:
Sarah and Peter are divorcing. Getting to this decision has been difficult and although both partners agree, the hurt feelings linger and their communication seems to have ground to a halt. Sarah is so fearful of incurring Peter’s disapproval, she avoids telling him about plans she makes for the children. She hates having to explain things later, but at least she avoids the confrontation as long as possible.
Unfortunately poor communication breeds poor communication – and can have a negative impact on mediation. CFR Mediation Coordinators work to empower participants to advocate for themselves and communicate in a manner that avoids triggering old problematic patterns of communication.
Sarah worked with the CFR Mediation Coordinator to address her apprehension about sharing plans and co-parenting with Peter. They planned a strategy that allowed Sarah to advise Peter of her plans without triggering the emotional response she found so upsetting. The coaching was brief and targeted – focusing solely on issues related to mediation and creating a co-parenting plan.
In addition, CFR Mediation Coordinators can assist in connecting to outside services if needed. By having qualified behavioral health experts available to intervene if needed, CFR is able to ensure that client needs are met and mediator neutrality is not affected.
Not everyone chooses to access CFR coaching services, and they are never forced on a person. However, for those who choose to access the coaching – services are available and part of the mediation package.
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So often when we feel wronged by another person we want not just for the issue to go away – we want them to hurt. Whether it is a divorce, a business partnership, clash between co-workers, or a civil dispute – once the conflict exists, emotions are involved. And so often these emotions are complicated and difficult to express.
Who has not heard of a mother complaining that the father is using the kids to hurt her – or vice-versa? There are websites and blog entries by “renown” divorce attorneys coaching future ex’s how best to “screw” the other person; how to hurt the other party in dispute – to get some degree of revenge. To hurt: Not to resolve.
One problem, often overlooked, is that we are never able to feel what the other person is feeling. It is impossible to really know that the other person is experiencing the desired feeling. As a result, we never get to truly understand, or know, what the other person is experiencing. In trying to hurt another there can really be no satisfaction; no sating of our hurt.
Yet people keep trying. Trying to hurt one another and wondering why, no matter what they do, their hurt does not go away.
Hurt is never pleasant. To trust someone and then have them betray that trust is not a pleasant experience, and can even threaten future livelihoods. Focusing on returning the hurt is a distraction; and can do more to threaten one’s own livelihood than the initial issue.
Destroying a beloved antique table or other heirloom may seem the perfect means of hurting the other person as he or she has hurt you. However, the actual result will be far more hollow than intended and possibly having a negative impact on future determinations and relationships.
Mediating a resolution to the conflict, despite the hurt, is the best way to resolve the issue. Seeking the assistance of a professional therapist is the best way to deal with the hurt and pain that results from the divorce or other dispute. Mediation allows the parties to move past the emotion and focus on the resolution, not the dispute. A therapist assists on helping find a healthy expression of the hurt and other emotions that plague those in dispute.
The traditional litigation focus is on “winning” – reinforcing the idea of hurting one another. Mediation allows those in dispute to focus on resolution and moving forward.
Contact CFR Mediation to see how we can assist you.
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