So often when we feel wronged by another person we want not just for the issue to go away – we want them to hurt. Whether it is a divorce, a business partnership, clash between co-workers, or a civil dispute – once the conflict exists, emotions are involved. And so often these emotions are complicated and difficult to express.
Who has not heard of a mother complaining that the father is using the kids to hurt her – or vice-versa? There are websites and blog entries by “renown” divorce attorneys coaching future ex’s how best to “screw” the other person; how to hurt the other party in dispute – to get some degree of revenge. To hurt: Not to resolve.
One problem, often overlooked, is that we are never able to feel what the other person is feeling. It is impossible to really know that the other person is experiencing the desired feeling. As a result, we never get to truly understand, or know, what the other person is experiencing. In trying to hurt another there can really be no satisfaction; no sating of our hurt.
Yet people keep trying. Trying to hurt one another and wondering why, no matter what they do, their hurt does not go away.
Hurt is never pleasant. To trust someone and then have them betray that trust is not a pleasant experience, and can even threaten future livelihoods. Focusing on returning the hurt is a distraction; and can do more to threaten one’s own livelihood than the initial issue.
Destroying a beloved antique table or other heirloom may seem the perfect means of hurting the other person as he or she has hurt you. However, the actual result will be far more hollow than intended and possibly having a negative impact on future determinations and relationships.
Mediating a resolution to the conflict, despite the hurt, is the best way to resolve the issue. Seeking the assistance of a professional therapist is the best way to deal with the hurt and pain that results from the divorce or other dispute. Mediation allows the parties to move past the emotion and focus on the resolution, not the dispute. A therapist assists on helping find a healthy expression of the hurt and other emotions that plague those in dispute.
The traditional litigation focus is on “winning” – reinforcing the idea of hurting one another. Mediation allows those in dispute to focus on resolution and moving forward.
Contact CFR Mediation to see how we can assist you.