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We hear about the need to plan for a child’s future from day one. Every year the costs involved in parenting increase, in many ways so do the choices and possibilities. Divorce does not change this, however, it does mean that parents have to determine how they are going to navigate decisions now and in the future.
Among the many issues divorcing parents must consider are (more…)
It may seem that the more complex a divorce, the less appropriate divorce mediation is. In reality, mediation often makes more sense in complex cases, especially when children are involved.
When a divorcing couple has kids, they are going to continue to have a relationship with one another even after the divorce is final. Divorce mediation allows the couple to determine how they want to co-parent; what works for them individually, as a couple, and most importantly – what works for the children. (more…)
For many, divorce mediation seems an impossibility for couples that are not getting along. It is as if only those couples who are getting along or in apparent agreement about issues – despite their decision to divorce – can realistically consider mediating their split.
Many think that divorce involving complex emotions and reactions cannot be mediated. As if the hurt and anger means that the couple cannot determine what is best for them and their family. This is a myth. (more…)
Everyone, at some point, ends up in a conflict with someone else. And, despite what it may seem like at the time, no one likes being personally involved in a heated dispute with another person or entity: if the outcome did not matter the conflict could not really exist as it would no longer be “fed” by the disputants.
Conflicts come in all shapes and sizes – and some are extremely heated. Those in dispute may not be able to look at one another without feeling experiencing anger and hurt. Although it may not seem that there is always an option, choosing how to respond to the dispute can have a significant affect on the outcome. (more…)
When a couple with children, who are divorcing or separating, opt to work with a mediator, they will spend some of the time in mediation developing a parenting plan.
A parenting plan is a detailed description of how both parents will continue to co-parent their children. Often a couple’s thoughts about a parenting plan focus on who is going to see whom when and how often. This is just part of the plan.
The completed parenting plan includes a number of things, among the issued covered: custody and visitation rules & schedules, how the parents are going to communicate with one another and when, child support, health insurance, education decisions and funding, and children’s investments/accounts if any.
At the onsite of the mediation process, many couples prefer to keep the parenting plan casual and unstructured. Planning to work things out as issues arise. However, at CFR we recommend that the couple work in mediation to develop a highly detailed and structured parenting plan and child custody agreement, so that it exists in the event that it is needed in the future.
Too often, couples with the best intentions find themselves embroiled in ongoing conflict with one another over issues that could have been mapped out in the beginning. Planning at the onset of the divorce or separation prevents the hurt, frustration, anger, and cost that is incurred when circumstances change or expectations are not met in the future.
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Additional Reading:
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A CFR Mediation Coordinator is available to answer any questions that parents may have regarding our services and how mediation can facilitate a peaceful positive resolution to parenting and child custody issues. Contact us for a no obligation consultation.
Conflict tends to bring out the worst in most of us. It is a stressful state, often triggering some bad communication habits in an effort to limit personal vulnerability. Much like a porcupine, when we feel vulnerable it is not unusual to bristle in an effort to protect ourselves – unfortunately this reaction tends to make things worse.
There are many common “reaction styles” that are problematic responses to conflict: accusing, swearing, using hostile gestures, name calling, or physically attacking one another are all examples of poor conflict response. Some of these are more common and “accepted” than others, but all are problematic.
Focusing on being civil throughout a conflict (any conflict) can greatly reduce the likelihood of escalation of the dispute and quite possibly assist in resolution of the issue. By remaining civil to one another the focus of the discussion stays on the issue at hand as opposed to becoming a battle where each person focuses on “winning” or not “losing” the argument, or worse tries to hurt the other person.
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Once tempers rise and negative “reaction styles” start to emerge, continued civil discussion is unlikely. Curtailing a discussion to revisit it at a later time is a positive reaction. There are some steps that can be taken to increase the likelihood that of civil discussion:
More Communication Tips:
Often the idea of mediation is dismissed as an option due to the arguing, hurt feelings, distrust, and other negative feelings that surround the conflict. The thought is a natural one. How can mediation work when the smallest thing triggers conflict?
Despite the seeming impossibility, mediation is still a very viable option in the vast majority of cases including high conflict situations. The presence of a skilled neutral party can have a powerful positive affect. The mediator provides a buffer as well as keeping both parties focused on reaching agreement – facilitating communication and focusing on interests not the mess that surrounds the issue.
As a general rule, if both parties are willing to try mediation then it should be a first option. If those in dispute are willing to try, mediators can get them talking and working towards a win-win solution.
Additional Reading:
For many school has started, for others this is the week that marks the beginning of a new year.
For many children, their lives are different than they were at the end of the last school year – and not just because they are in a new grade. For some this year marks:
The start of the school year so clearly defines the lives of children, but co-parenting parents may not recognize how the start of the school year affects, possibly aggravating, existing parenting agreements.
It is always a good idea to plan an informal parenting meeting to discuss the upcoming year and how the existing parenting agreement will function during the upcoming year. This can be a good time to discuss vacations, coverage availability, involvement in extracurricular activities, noted behavioral changes or concerns, and other concerns and housekeeping issues.
Fortunately, most parents will be able to conduct productive meetings on their own. Others may need to seek the assistance of a mediator. A mediator can assist in creating a plan for the upcoming year, as well as developing an ongoing plan for parental communication that will promote positive effective communication between parents – allowing them to continue to focus on their children.
The economy and the real estate market have left many couples struggling financially. Couples that have decided to separate or divorce may find the possibility of financing two households difficult if not impossible.
Many couples have opted to separate and begin their divorce process while in remaining in the same house. This is not new idea, but increasing financial stress means (more…)
For so many a divorce does not mean the end of a relationship. For those couples with children, there will always be a bond and a need to have a continued relationship. Children of divorce, or parents who are not together, do not necessarily suffer – but they are at the mercy of their parents decisions and efforts to positively co-parent. Children have no say in how their parents relate to one another, although they are clearly affected by the decisions and actions of the parents.
At times the emotions connected to the ended relationship can overwhelm even the most well-meaning parents. Cordial communication can be elusive. At these times divorced or separated parents may rely more and more on alternative communication methods.
The Internet has given us an excellent alternative communication tool – especially for those who find that they are unable to speak without yelling at one another. Email and instant messaging lets people remotely communicate things that otherwise would have required a phone call or face-to-face conversation.
Sometimes email or IM is the only way parents can even attempt to co-parent. Unfortunately at times the hostility that is felt between the parents can spill over into the communication and end up reinforcing the negative feelings that prohibit any rationale relationship between parents.
Children only get one chance at being children – and so often they are the ones that end up being the victims of the hostility. As a result it is an excellent idea to take measures to ensure that the email/IM communication does not passively contribute to the problem.
Communicating with someone who seems to automatically trigger emotion is almost always difficult. Focusing on the children and establishing some simple rules is an important step. Perhaps a good rule of thumb is would you want your children, boss, best customer, and others whose opinion you respect to see your email or text?
Determining communication strategies and methods is something that can be addressed through mediation. Creating a framework and clarifying expectations at the beginning of a co-parenting arrangement is the best gift that parents can give their children.
