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Having a disagreement with someone is never pleasant. Sometimes even just thinking about the person can trigger a rush of anger and other emotions.
Sometimes resolving the immediate conflict means an end to the relationship and an end to the contact. Other times a relationship of some sort must continue – as in the case of divorced parents of minor children. Parents must continue to have a somewhat close relationship at least until the children are 18. This means some degree of ongoing communication.
But other conflicts are not so potentially life altering such as those with a utility or service providers, co-workers, neighbors, etc. Despite being relatively minor issues in our lives, even these disputes can trigger significant emotional distress.
Regardless of the nature of the conflict and need for continued communication, avoiding personal attacks is an important ingredient in conflict resolution.
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For many communicating when angry means personally attacking the other person. Facts and clarity are not so much the focus in these attacks as is hurting the other person and “winning”. Often the attacks include insults, derogatory terms, and name calling that may have little actual meaning – if looked at objectively. Much like a sunk or a porcupine reacting on impulse when feeling threatened, humans seem to routinely attack at one another’s emotional core through words designed to do little more than injure the other.
However these defensive, albeit aggressive, efforts do little but increase the immediate and ongoing conflict and emotional distress – often moving parties further from resolution.
Maintaining civility is paramount to successful resolution. Although emotions can remain high, expressing raw emotion does little to help the process.
Remaining civil and focusing on the shared interest of the parties can greatly assist the process. Once the name-calling and insults begin the focus is removed from the actual issue – and the focus is on “winning” the momentary argument.
Only by remaining civil and focusing on personal interest and not emotional position can an effective resolution occur.
Certain situations and conflicts may require a neutral third party – such as a mediator – to facilitate civility and resolution, such as in divorce or workplace mediation. However, focusing on maintaining a civil stance in any conflict will more likely result in a successful resolution.
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Tags: arguing, co-parenting, Communication Tips, conflict, divorce, Mediation, Parenting, parenting plan, resolution, Workplace Conflict
